I want to start my story on a happy and grateful note, because that is exactly how I feel today.

Some years ago, however, it was not so. Definitely not that fateful day, when I was informed of my right kidney cancer. Anyone, who has faced a similar life changing event, will tell you, that they reacted to such news in their own way. Some face this verdict with stoic demeanour, some cry hoarse, for others it is total disbelief or even denial.

As for me, my life, seemed to just end. Overnight, all my dreams, my future seemed to disappear right in front of my eyes.

After a huge volcanic eruption of emotions that I went through, what followed were harrowing days for my family and I.

Numerous discussions, varied opinions and advice (both solicited and unsolicited) barraged me from all sides since this was a complex and rare malignancy.

I went through a tsunami of thoughts: why me, was I being punished for something that I did, but I ‘m so young, doesn’t cancer happen to the very old and many, many more confusing thoughts occurred.

Uppermost in my mind was “who will look after my 10-year-old son, if I die? “That one thought saddened me the most.

Being a doctor myself, I felt I had some advantages and disadvantages in this scenario. I could understand most of the medical jargon that I heard, I could make informed decisions for myself. Yet, knowing all the complications of this disease and side effects of treatment, left me feeling scared, lonely and helpless.

Days rolled into weeks and then months.

I am not sure, how or when, but one day out of the blue, I decided to take charge of myself (at least as much as was feasible).

I felt that this person (yours truly) undergoing this “cancer experience” was not me, because my innate nature is of a happy, optimistic, care free person and I was feeling battered, wounded and gloomy all the time.

I wanted to snap out of this bubble of fear and uncertainty that enveloped me.

So, on days, when I was pain free, nausea and fatigue free, I tried readings bits and pieces of self-help articles, watched comedy shows on TV, walked in the open parks or just sat near a playground watching children scream with delight on the swings. I enjoyed simple pleasures like those immensely.

I discovered the healing power of organic foods, listened to soothing music (Kenny G on the saxophone was my favourite those days), and joined my mother as she chanted prayers.

Many a time, as I watched chemotherapy drugs flow into my veins or while I was enclosed in the tunnel like PET Scan chamber (for what seemed like an eternity), I would close my eyes & imagine myself walking on a beach with cool ocean water caressing my feet, or imagined myself sitting on a balcony overlooking snow-capped mountains. Strangely, these imaginary visions, somewhat eased my pain & my fears at that time.

Seasons changed, my treatment was long and difficult.

I can never forget the day I noticed clumps of hair on my pillow. I knew this was inevitable, but was shocked nevertheless. At the end of my treatment, when I re-joined my professional duties, I was very apprehensive, going to work in a hair piece / scarf, but work kept me occupied and, in those hours, I was a doctor helping out, not a frightened patient. My work was very therapeutic for me.

In spite of having family and close friends around me, very often, I felt alone. They supported me, encouraged me, loved me, but I often felt that this suffering was mine alone, I did not want to be a burden on anyone.

At that time, I was not aware of any support groups like CanSupport. Platforms like these are very important, so that people realise that there are others in the same boat and we can hold hands to guide each other & share knowledge to overcome many hurdles.

Each person who has gone through this journey, finds solace and courage in different ways, and that is the right thing, because every experience is unique.

Every new day throughout my journey brought in different challenges. On some days that were better than others, I tried to keep a diary and found, much to my surprise that I could write poetry too!

For some people and their families, this journey and its end is not pleasant, despite all the heroic and valiant efforts put in. At times this “cancer journey “takes a tragic turn and life seems so unfair, so unjust and so terribly sad. This, unfortunately, is also a reality of life.

As I endured the ravages of this malady, I tried to seek courage and peace from all quarters.

I was aware, that I may not win this battle, but I was determined not to give up without a fight.

Gratitude towards everyone, even if it was just a random smile that someone gave me in the hospital hallway and thankfulness for all that I had, helped me in my journey.

Today, I am at peace. I find joy in simple things like waking up feeling healthy, spending time with my family and caring for my patients, even as I go through periodic medical check-ups & follow up scans.

My father’s favourite quote has become my mantra for life “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going “and I wholeheartedly try to abide with that.

Dr Anjana Bhan

Senior Consultant, Endocrinology & Diabetes
Max Healthcare, Panchsheel Park. New Delhi.